Our country is marriage-baby obsessed and that is stating
the obvious. A person after crossing the age of 18 is supposed to get married
at least by 29 and is expected to get pregnant or be seriously 'busy'
in the business of babymaking within a year of marriage.
So what happens to a couple who are married for over 5 years
(Yours truly and her hubby dear) and is still baby-less? Well, all hell breaks
loose and other than being burned at the stake, the poor couple have to go
through all the tortures devised by mankind.
Here's an incident that happened just 5 months after my marriage.
We had visited my hubby's village and I didn't understand the intricacies of the
Tamil language yet. J had left me at the mercy of the women folk of the
household. One of the elderly women nudged me not too gently, "Thala
kulikariya?". Roughly translated, it means -"Are you still having
head bath?". I was shocked... Was I stinking? I sniffed myself. No, I
smelled decent. "Yes." I blurted out in my broken Tamil. "I had
head bath." The old woman tsk-tsked. The other women of the household laughed
loudly. I smiled dumbly not understanding what was so funny. Later I was told
that she was asking me whether I was pregnant. Gulp. So that was 5 months after
marriage, now 5 years later, I've compiled a list of such anecdotes that are downright
hilarious, audacious, ludicrous...take your pick!
PhD in Babyology - These are the couples I find the
most frustrating. Once they have given birth to a baby they behave as though they've
graduated in Sexology. No matter, whether they were thinking of making babies, when
they were ‘just doing it’; Or whether they're pregnant depends on simple
biology, luck and gravity. Suggestions range from the generous- 'Place a pillow
underneath, helps in the flow.' 'Watch porn movies.' 'Don't get up for 3 hours
after sex.' 'Read Kamasutra.' 'Remember the guy has to be on top' to the weird
-'Face north-wards, drives away the bad karma'.
Eh? Guys what do you think we were doing for the last 5
years? Playing Legos?
The Periods-obsessed Mom/ Mom-in-laws - Thankfully I
didn't have to face this particular breed but my unfortunate friends were not
so lucky. The girl might forget her period dates but her Periods-obsessed mom/
mom-in-law will not. So every month precisely on the day the girl is supposed
to get her periods, she gets a call from her mom-in-law, "Did you get your
periods this month?". "Yes." Responds the mortified girl. "What
were you doing? How could you let this happen?" Click. The call is cut
rudely. This ritual continued until the poor girl finally got pregnant.
The Wedding Criers - This group of people are present
at every marriage function we attend. They sadly have loudspeakers attached to
their mouths and have never learnt to speak softly. " 5 yearsaahhh? No kids
yet aaahhh?" the gentleman blares. People around us turn around and look
at us curiously. We shake our heads uncomfortably. " Why no-waaa? Why take
no steps? Visited doctorsaaaa?" The gentleman trumpets. The entire
marriage hall is part of the conversation now. "Next time you come with
baby. okayaaa?" Now the decibel-levels have crossed the danger level. The
band has stopped playing. And we are the cynosure of all eyes, instead of the
bride and bridegroom.
The Church Hoppers - 'If you can't do it, God will do
it for you' is the mantra of our God-addicted country. Hence we're dragged to
all the churches in the world in the hope that prayer will work where medicine
and nature didn't. No need to say that there are experts in this field too. Certain
churches and priests (Replace the word church with mosque or temple depending
on your religious affiliations) are highly-recommended for their baby-making
powers. Advises are also dispensed freely on where to tie prayer sheets, when
to eat which food, how much holy water to be drunk, which idols have the
special power to create babies. Please note that God will be particularly
pleased with those who are willing to suffer physical pain in and around the religious
spot.
The Astrologers - This ilk has the talent to predict
the future. Random people come up to you and predict the time, year and month
of when you will be visited by the stork. "By your next birthday, you'll
be pregnant." "Pongal, definitely." "Your next wedding anniversary,
you'll turn from two to three." I wish these people were there when I was
writing my 12th exam. Would have asked them to predict that I score 98% in my
exams and join IIT Kharakpur after that.
Then there are...
The Lifeboats- An aunt who gives a sympathetic look
as if I've AIDS and says that she will pray for me, every time she sees me.
The guilt enhancer - People who say - 'It's your duty
to give birth to the torch-bearer of the family. Look how your parents/in-laws
are suffering because of your crimes.'
The wise ones - Uncles who admonish you - "How
long are you going to enjoy life like this? Be more responsible!"
The Good News friend - A friend who calls me up just to
check if there is any 'good' news. Of course, the good news is not worthy enough
if I reached professional glories or attained other personal goals.
